[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
🤣🤣🤣
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult