SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.