Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.