Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
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My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
repaired
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.