Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.