People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
best review i’ve ever seen
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”