The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
(True)
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
This is me
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.