Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.