me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.