[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago