I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?