“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose