I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.