therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
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.
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.