Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
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Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.