Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
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If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine