You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”