Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.