Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
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When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it