[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.