Saturday
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The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
You sure about that?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes