The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
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[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma