last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind