Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
You Might Also Like
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Just a friendly reminder!
This kid will have a bright future.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES