If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Tuesday
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?