If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
You Might Also Like
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me