Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
🤔😂😂
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”