If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.