Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
When libraries troll their patrons.