Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
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Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived