[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
We have a winner.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.