“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Great Canadian literature.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit