BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
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Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
What’s so funny?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish