Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. đ
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself âpaying attention,â then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. âItâs a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They canât tell.â She is 10. #COVID19
“Please! Thereâs no need to interact with me. Iâm just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Marie KondĹâs method really has been magical. Iâm ridding my home of anything that doesnât âspark joy.â
So far Iâm down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
i canât believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldnât shove them up his nose
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, âI do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,â and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: âI kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.â
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If life has taught me one thing, itâs that I need more money.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background âaccidentallyâ so women know they can afford eggs.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad thereâs leftovers so she doesnât have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks youâre top 5 at most