“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
You Might Also Like
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro