[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries