If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.