Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on