please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
subtitles are so good nowadays
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“OMGJK” -atheists
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!