I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
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[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help