With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You Might Also Like
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl