If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
my mind
You just read my mind
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing