they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
*me flirting
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.