I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that