*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
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I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.