I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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me working on my assignments ^-^
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
<- sleeps well with others
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar