Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
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Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Autocorrect completely socks
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy