idk what he going thru but i feel him
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.