how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”