Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
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I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Looking at you, Jesus.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day